And then there were Nine
by Swordquest
Summary: Read the diary of Indur the Nazgul as he valiantly steers you though a path seldom trodden-the dysfunctional lives of Sauron's Nine!


**Disclaimer:** Lord of the Rings is owned by JRR Tolkien. No money is being made off this fic, so it would be pointless to sue. Nazgul reference site (names etc): mordor.elendor.net

_The diary of Indur Dawndeath, the Nazgul.__ If lost, please send to Mordor, the Land where the Shadows lie, or Minas Morgul, __Tower__ of __Sorcery__. Postage costs are prepaid._

**Year 1286, the Third Age**

**_1st Jun_**

_New diary! Spiffy!_

**_2nd Jun_**

_Very bored in Minas Morgul.__ Slowly going insane. Is practicing various decorative fonts using the Black Speech, Westron and Khuzdul. _

**_3rd Jun_**

_Caught Ren sneaking outside with his horse again.__ Valar knows what he's doing to that poor creature. And I'm sure they'd rather not. _

**_4th Jun_**

_Gothmog__ has stolen my collectable Warg doll. Will kill him later._

**_5th Jun_**

_Witch-King has everyone playing tic-tack-toe. Everything was going fine until Sauron saw the noughts and thought they were replicas of his Ring. Table burnt. Very sad business. Now there's nowhere to whack my head …must try wall._

**_16th Jun_**

_Wall is very painful. Never try it again._

**_17th Jun_**

_Uncomfortable episode with the Witch-King today.__ Caught him in front of his mirror in one of Galadriel's dresses. Is now very disconcerted._

**_2nd Jul_**

_Was made to polish walls as punishment.__ Walls now spotless. Spooky glowing paint reapplied. Tower looks really cool and evil-much better than Orthanc! On the downside, I may never be able to hold a sword again. Ren was sympathetic and offered to rub my arms. Politely declined. As if no one knows what he's really up to._

**_3rd Jul_**

_Haldir__ sent a box of chocolates today. It was addressed "To my dear Tiddles, with love; Snuggly-wuggums". Suspected Adunaphel until Khamul secretly smuggled it into his room. Ren entered a while later. Looked really upset. Did not pursue the matter for fear of my sanity._

**_6th Jul_**

_Is now convinced that more than half of the Nazgul have some serious problems.__ Started hanging out with Akhorahil. At least he can keep his hands to himself._

**_7th Jul_**

_Have seen what Akhorahil keeps his hands to. Decided to lie low. Very, very, very low…_

**__**

**_12th Jul_**

_Witch-King called forth a council today. Played 'Pin the Tail on the Donkey'. Was enthusiastic until Ren volunteered to be the donkey, and suggested we use our fingers instead of pins. Ran very very far. Suspect that Dwar severely maimed him._

**__**

**_23rd Jul_**

_Uvatha's__ horse has been eating my robe again! Must tell him to keep it locked up with the others._

**_24th Jul_**

_Discussion went bad. Is mortally wounded. Will never suggest that the Horse-nut abandon his horse again…_

**_27th Jul_**

_Boredom ensues. Perhaps I should take up that orc's offer for some weed…_

**_1st Aug_**

_SDFrhhyaj__ 464q65 gsh gsha46 juk aerw trey 46u7w sdf bvxhay 5q4 3 ef vfga fthath ttttt gfa zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz_

**__**

**_18th Aug_**

_Haff__ regainsed sance of derectnn.__ Heaad huss beed. Weeell rithe _moore___ wen _rome___ sopts speenning…_

**_27th Aug_**

_Is finally out of coma.__ Orc is dead. Ren has been giving me odd looks…VERY nervous about blank area in memory._

**_30th Aug_**

_Ren__ has been hanging around me like flies to Khamul. Told him to bugger off before I shoved my sword up his ass. He said I already did. Is now considering migrating to Moria. Will write to Benny the Balrog later._

**_1st Sept_**

_Crappy day.__ Sauron pulled an April Fool's gig on all of us, claiming that some retarded Dwarf from down South had swallowed the Ring. Had the whole tower in an uproar until he cracked up. Reminded him that it was not April. Witch-King determined to pay him back-turned off the power in Barad-Dur. Out went the Eyeball. How amusing._

**_3rd Sept_**

_Benny replied. Said I could stay with him as long as I kept him entertained. Did not elaborate. Decided to decline._

**_17th Sept_**

_Been having fun with Dwar's name.__ Dwar of Waw, Dwar of Waw, Dwar of Waw. Gotta love these humans and their ridiculous names._

**_20th Sept_**

_Gothmog__ has been reading my diary. He is sad that I haven't mentioned him that often. Let's mention him now, shall we? As an obituary. _

_"Here lies Gothmog, He of the Corny Name._

_No one really knows who he was, and no one really cares."_

_There._

**_18th Nov_**

_Lost diary.__ Got it back with stinky hand prints, spit and intangible writing. Informed Witch-King that we need a new legion of Orcs. Blamed Gondor._

**_19th Nov_**

_Discovered that perpetrator was actually Gothmog. Shoved him down stairs. Blamed booze._

**_21st Nov_**

_Witch-King's birthday.__ Got him a randomly snatched flower from the fields of Pelennor while riding back with beer. He seemed oddly happy. Seriously wondering if there's more to his name than meets the eye…_

**_22nd Nov_**

_Have spied on Witch-King all day.__ Now very sure that he's more witch than king…must go wash smell of perfume from robes._

_Update: Ren caught me with perfume…said it turned him on…will go kill self later…_

**_23rd Nov_**

_Attempts at suicide failed…will try od-ing on chocolate._

**_24th Nov_**

_In…pain…a lot of…pain…_

**_29th Nov_**

_Ren's__ birthday._ He was there. I wasn't. Enough said…__

**__**

**_2nd Dec_**

_Horse-nut was singing to his horse again last night. Heard Ren entering after a bit. Also heard Ren leaving in a hurry. Clatter of horse shoes and screams of pain were very satisfying. Will consider not hanging Uvatha. _

**_5th Dec_**

_Had enough of guys.__ Is now hanging with Adunaphel. Decided she can't possibly be gay, since she has no one to by gay _with_._

**_6th Dec_**

_I was wrong. Have formed a last allegiance with Dwar and Uvatha. We must not be taken! Would have invited Gothmog to join, but still upset about Warg doll incident. _

**_10th Dec_**

_Raining.__ Discovered why Gondorians abandoned this place-the roof leaks. It seems mortals are more intelligent than previously imagined._

**_11th Dec_**

_Place is flooded. Uvatha is making sure his horse is dry. Ren wants the water to stay since he thinks that it 'perfectly accentuates his flawless figure'. Told him to shut up and start scooping. Realize that Witch-King is very hydrophobic._

**_12th Dec_**

_Caught a cold.__ Everyone is miserable. Still have not been able to get Witch-King down from table._

**_15th Dec_**

_Used the Great Lidless Flaming Eye to blow-dry the halls.__ Sauron was pissed, but at least we got his Witch-King down._

**_19th Dec_**

_Sauron__ wants to have a Christmas bash. Reminded him that he is the great Enemy of all of Middle Earth. He reminded me that I am the servant of the great Enemy of all of Middle Earth. Considering changing title._

**_20th Dec _**

_Sent invites to Rivendell, Lorien and Isengard. Quite sure there's something up with Saruman the White. Very disturbed by frequent unnecessary fondling of assorted parts of my cloak. _

**_21st Dec_**

_Saruman__ dropped by. Told him that he was four days early. He smiled and sat down anyway. Asked how he was supposed to tell the Nine apart. I suggested labels._

**_22nd Dec_**

_Woke up with label magically attached to hood.__ Washed out mouth with soap._

**_23rd Dec_**

_Present crisis. Have no idea what in the name of Mandos's halls to get everyone. Considering using the Palantir to seek goods._

_Update: Used Palantir. Saw some very unnecessary footage of Saruman. Will shop the old fashioned way._

_Update: Have robbed several villages in Bree, Gondor, and Rohan. Finally have enough gifts. On downside, got very drunk and can't remember where I put them._

**_24th Dec_**

_Hangover.__ Ouch. _

**_25th Dec_**

_Christmas day! Feel loved. Got many presents. Decided that Saruman's looked suspicious. Will give it away next year. Got drunk again._

**_26th Dec_**

_Hate Ren. Pushed him out of bed, out of room, and out of tower. Damn him. Saw Uvatha on the way out. Paid him to take the gay freak far far away._

**_28th Dec_**

_Witch-King's making plans for New Year's Party. Suggested ideas include potluck, Twister, heading down to the pub and an orgy. Three guesses as to who gave that last proposal…_

**_ 29th Dec_**

_Put superglue in Ren's boxers. Am waiting for very entertaining results._

_Update: Witch-King was called in to attend to 'very pressing needs' earlier today. I wonder what they could be…_

**_30st_****_ Dec_**

_Dwar's__ birthday._ Gave him Saruman's gift. I am heartless.__

**__**

**_31st Dec_**

_New Year's Party at the Prancing Pony.__ Terrorized, pillaged, killed, and got stone drunk. Yes, very enjoyable indeed. Love the whole servant of evil routine. Very amusing. _

**__**

**_1st Jan_**

_New Year's Day! Had a resolution-sharing routine held by Sauron. Decided to humour him by telling him I'd be a loyal servant for as long as I lived. Mentally noted that since I am not technically alive, I am not held to that promise. Sucker. Privately resolve to remain straight, and to hurt Ren more than twice a week. Making satisfying plans now. Ah…the joys of being evil… _

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